Unconditionally

I loved you once. I think I love you still. 
I’m questioning myself now. 
Like: Am I back because I love you or am I back because it’s convenient? 
It’s funny how you say you love me but you said you’d be so much happier
If only I were skinnier. 
Have I forgiven you for this? I’m not sure that I have.
And I just keep thinking how he touched me 
How he touched me like closer was the key to his existence
Like he wanted to touch every part of me
Like his soul needed mine. Like we could only be one if only he could get
Closer.
Have you ever touched me like that? Have you ever fucked me like that?
You say love is not enough. That physical attraction means so much. 
But I haven’t changed. My size has not been altered.
I was thick when you met me and yet you never faltered. 
It’s funny how things change.
How a few words means things will never be the same.
It’s funny how he’s taller, skinnier, more attractive, more bold. 
Funny how he knows the way I like it without being told. 
How he could fuck any woman he wanted and yet he was fucking me
But you’d be so much happier if I were skinnier. 
It’s not even about the other shit.
About how it’s been almost 7 years 
And all the tears I have cried have been because I feared
I wasn’t good enough for you to love enough to marry. 
It’s not about how I’ve wanted a family 
And you kept telling me this was a good as it can be.
It’s not about the pain of not being good enough.
Not about the wondering if my black side 
Embarrasses that stuck up white side of you. 
It’s not about the lack of appreciation or
The way you make me hate me.
No, it’s not about that shit. 
It’s that all these years and all this time
And all this love you said you had 
Can’t erase the shame I now get
When you see my naked skin.
And you said you loved me 
But you’d be so much happier if I were skinnier. 
And physical attraction means so much
But I thought you’d love me unconditionally.

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