Just A Child

When I was younger,
They told me I was “just a child.”
“Why should you be sad?”
“Your life is good.”
“You’re just stubborn. Just lazy and selfish.”
“How can you be tired? You slept all day.”
“You just want attention.”
I drank it all in.
I believed it all.
No matter how hard it got
Or how long I cried for no reason
No matter how I hated to look at myself
No matter how many trails of blood I left on my skin
I would hear it all again.
You’re just being selfish.
Stop being so fucking selfish.
Suck it up. Just suck it up.

The fight to get out of bed was a real thing.
I couldn’t convince my feet to touch the floor.
I couldn’t convince my body to walk out the door.
And still I told myself, “you’re just selfish.”
Suck it up. Just suck it up.
As I watched the tears wear tracks into my skin.
Just suck it up!
As I watched sparkling red drops leave my body
And wear tracks into my arms.

Sometimes I can’t feel anything
Sometimes I feel too much
“What’s wrong,” he pleads.
“What’s wrong?! Please I need to know.”
And I look at him with eyes wide open
With golden eyes rimmed in molten tears
That I refuse to allow to fall
And I say
“Once I was a child
But I cannot remember.
Once I was a child
And they told me I was wrong.
Can you give me back my childhood?!
Can you tell them I was right?
Because I think when I locked out all the bad things
I forgot to leave room for the light.”

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